Indiana is a
Buffalo News, United
By MOLLY IVINS
AUSTIN, Texas - The most cunning refinement yet in the
administration's plot to scare the liver, lights and onions out of us with Tales
of Terror Plots is the Department of Homeland Security's brilliant move to
declare Indiana the national center of terrorism, with 8,591 potential targets.
Many citizens have questioned the Indiana move - some claiming it is a waste of
money trying to stop attacks on the Wabash Cannonball. The Statue of Liberty and
the Washington Monument might merit a little more attention. This is precisely
why it is better to have Michael Chertoff and Karl Rove making the Homeland
Security decisions, rather than Osama bin Laden.
The defeat of ...
Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman in the Democratic primary alerted Vice President
Cheney to the menace. Ned Lamont, the guy who beat Lieberman, said he was
surprised that Cheney claimed his victory would embolden Osama bin, as we call
him in Texas.
"My God, here we have a terrorist threat against hearth and home, and the
very first thing that comes out of their mind is how we can turn this to
partisan advantage," complained Lamont. Lieberman warned that Lamont's call for
a phased withdrawal of troops from Iraq would be "taken as a tremendous victory"
by the terrorists. Cheney said it would encourage "the al-Qaida types" who want
to "break the will of the American people in terms of our ability to stay in the
fight and complete the task."
Wow. How little we realized the fate of a single senator - especially such a
whiny one - meant everything to Osama bin. Must've pulled off his turban and
danced around his cave when he got the news. The whole al-Qaida bunch stayed up
just to hear the late returns from Darien, Conn.
Give President Bush another five years or so, and he's bound to figure out
that Osama bin is not in Iraq - then we'll be right on his tail.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, The Hill newspaper reports that an Enron
lobbyist (former aide to Lieberman and money-raiser for him and convicted
Republican Connecticut Gov. John Rowland, whom he describes as being
"like-minded guys") is demanding that Democratic senators not campaign against
Lieberman. When asking other professional influence-peddlers to contribute, he
tells them to come back for Lieberman, saying, "Who knows what Lamont would be
For example, Lamont might use his power to make sure the Enron investigation
gets serious - a task Lieberman, ranking Democrat on the Government Affairs
Committee, has avoided. No surprise that the lobbyists and insiders want to keep
In other news, we have the answer to a troubling part of the Middle East
jigsaw puzzle: how to rebuild Iraq. We ought to drop Halliburton like a
skilletful of rattlesnakes and get Hezbollah on the job. Did you ever see a
better rebuilding bunch than this Hezbollah? The shooting hadn't even stopped
yet when the "Army of God" was hustling around with plywood and duct tape,
putting everything back together. And who do they get to pay for it all, but the
Arabs. Now that's what I call rebuilding!